Day 39

God is certainly answering my prayers directly lately, and it's such a blessing.

This morning I felt like I was sinking in quicksand. Nearly everyone in my life has been impacted by a death within the last few days. People I hardly ever talk to have reached out to me, in need of love and comfort, and don't take this as a complaint. I am extremely willing, and grateful to be able to help them through these times. I think that one of the beautiful disasters about me though, is that at a young age, I became very good at putting on a happy face, smiling on the outside while I was sobbing on the inside. So, in these past couple of days, as people reach for me, I've felt a heaviness on my heart for these people who are reaching me, as well for everyone else impacted by these tragedies. That's another beautifully painful part of me, I can hurt so badly for people I've never met or heard of. The thought of the repercussions of the incidents have been playing in my mind all week, I've spent some of my alone time in tears, my heart breaking for these strangers, and constantly praying for all of them. Emotionally, it's taken a toll on me, and physically as well. The past 2 nights, I've escaped my thoughts by just going to bed.

So this morning I finally caved, and asked the people that go to my youth group to just say a quick prayer for me through Facebook. I didn't bother to divulge into details, just that I was struggling, and that a prayer would be much appreciated.

During the day, it wasn't much easier, there were memorial services for some people to attend, and talk about when funerals were, while others were still trying to sort through emotions, so by the time I got home, I was mentally worn out. And all of this is on top of the fact that I really do not handle death very well. It's something I have always been uncomfortable with because I've never really been able to wrap my mind around it.

But, about an hour ago, I got a phone call from my brother and it just brightened my whole day and lifted me up quite a bit. See, when I was a little girl, I had a big sister, and divorced parents. The whole divorced parents thing is something that to this day I'm still working through on my own because I feel like I can't talk about it to anyone. But through all of that, the thing I wanted more than anything else in the world was big brother, which, seeing as there wasn't one when I was born, it's a silly thing to dream of and wish for because older siblings don't really just appear. But, when I was 12 my mom married another man, and I was graced with not 1 but 2 older brothers AND another older sister. The younger of the brothers has had a huge impact on my life, and has completely filled that 'older brother void'. He's one of my heroes, and one of the best people I know, however I don't get to talk to him often, and rarely see him, aside from the summers, because he lives in Vermont. So, naturally I was quite excited when he called and just wanted to talk to me. Even though we only talked for a few minutes, it was relaxing and relieving to get to hear from him.

It was so funny too, because in my little call for prayers, I phrased how I was feeling as 'struggling to keep my head above the water' and he brought up a day that we went through together that I really can't describe but to say it relates to water would be an understatement. It wasn't a good day at the time, but the night was amazing, and I had forgotten about the night, even though I frequently think about the day time (which is now a fond memory).

Thank you for reminding me that the night is always darkest before the dawn, but the dawn is coming.

God, thank you so much, everyday, you save me, you really do <3

Mel