Dear God,
Please help me with this emotional burden I'm feeling. I don't understand it, and I'm too afraid to ask for help. It seems so petty with everything that is going on. I'm just feel like I'm stuck in quicksand, please pull me out....
I love you,
Mel.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Day 39
God is certainly answering my prayers directly lately, and it's such a blessing.
This morning I felt like I was sinking in quicksand. Nearly everyone in my life has been impacted by a death within the last few days. People I hardly ever talk to have reached out to me, in need of love and comfort, and don't take this as a complaint. I am extremely willing, and grateful to be able to help them through these times. I think that one of the beautiful disasters about me though, is that at a young age, I became very good at putting on a happy face, smiling on the outside while I was sobbing on the inside. So, in these past couple of days, as people reach for me, I've felt a heaviness on my heart for these people who are reaching me, as well for everyone else impacted by these tragedies. That's another beautifully painful part of me, I can hurt so badly for people I've never met or heard of. The thought of the repercussions of the incidents have been playing in my mind all week, I've spent some of my alone time in tears, my heart breaking for these strangers, and constantly praying for all of them. Emotionally, it's taken a toll on me, and physically as well. The past 2 nights, I've escaped my thoughts by just going to bed.
So this morning I finally caved, and asked the people that go to my youth group to just say a quick prayer for me through Facebook. I didn't bother to divulge into details, just that I was struggling, and that a prayer would be much appreciated.
During the day, it wasn't much easier, there were memorial services for some people to attend, and talk about when funerals were, while others were still trying to sort through emotions, so by the time I got home, I was mentally worn out. And all of this is on top of the fact that I really do not handle death very well. It's something I have always been uncomfortable with because I've never really been able to wrap my mind around it.
But, about an hour ago, I got a phone call from my brother and it just brightened my whole day and lifted me up quite a bit. See, when I was a little girl, I had a big sister, and divorced parents. The whole divorced parents thing is something that to this day I'm still working through on my own because I feel like I can't talk about it to anyone. But through all of that, the thing I wanted more than anything else in the world was big brother, which, seeing as there wasn't one when I was born, it's a silly thing to dream of and wish for because older siblings don't really just appear. But, when I was 12 my mom married another man, and I was graced with not 1 but 2 older brothers AND another older sister. The younger of the brothers has had a huge impact on my life, and has completely filled that 'older brother void'. He's one of my heroes, and one of the best people I know, however I don't get to talk to him often, and rarely see him, aside from the summers, because he lives in Vermont. So, naturally I was quite excited when he called and just wanted to talk to me. Even though we only talked for a few minutes, it was relaxing and relieving to get to hear from him.
It was so funny too, because in my little call for prayers, I phrased how I was feeling as 'struggling to keep my head above the water' and he brought up a day that we went through together that I really can't describe but to say it relates to water would be an understatement. It wasn't a good day at the time, but the night was amazing, and I had forgotten about the night, even though I frequently think about the day time (which is now a fond memory).
Thank you for reminding me that the night is always darkest before the dawn, but the dawn is coming.
God, thank you so much, everyday, you save me, you really do <3
Mel
This morning I felt like I was sinking in quicksand. Nearly everyone in my life has been impacted by a death within the last few days. People I hardly ever talk to have reached out to me, in need of love and comfort, and don't take this as a complaint. I am extremely willing, and grateful to be able to help them through these times. I think that one of the beautiful disasters about me though, is that at a young age, I became very good at putting on a happy face, smiling on the outside while I was sobbing on the inside. So, in these past couple of days, as people reach for me, I've felt a heaviness on my heart for these people who are reaching me, as well for everyone else impacted by these tragedies. That's another beautifully painful part of me, I can hurt so badly for people I've never met or heard of. The thought of the repercussions of the incidents have been playing in my mind all week, I've spent some of my alone time in tears, my heart breaking for these strangers, and constantly praying for all of them. Emotionally, it's taken a toll on me, and physically as well. The past 2 nights, I've escaped my thoughts by just going to bed.
So this morning I finally caved, and asked the people that go to my youth group to just say a quick prayer for me through Facebook. I didn't bother to divulge into details, just that I was struggling, and that a prayer would be much appreciated.
During the day, it wasn't much easier, there were memorial services for some people to attend, and talk about when funerals were, while others were still trying to sort through emotions, so by the time I got home, I was mentally worn out. And all of this is on top of the fact that I really do not handle death very well. It's something I have always been uncomfortable with because I've never really been able to wrap my mind around it.
But, about an hour ago, I got a phone call from my brother and it just brightened my whole day and lifted me up quite a bit. See, when I was a little girl, I had a big sister, and divorced parents. The whole divorced parents thing is something that to this day I'm still working through on my own because I feel like I can't talk about it to anyone. But through all of that, the thing I wanted more than anything else in the world was big brother, which, seeing as there wasn't one when I was born, it's a silly thing to dream of and wish for because older siblings don't really just appear. But, when I was 12 my mom married another man, and I was graced with not 1 but 2 older brothers AND another older sister. The younger of the brothers has had a huge impact on my life, and has completely filled that 'older brother void'. He's one of my heroes, and one of the best people I know, however I don't get to talk to him often, and rarely see him, aside from the summers, because he lives in Vermont. So, naturally I was quite excited when he called and just wanted to talk to me. Even though we only talked for a few minutes, it was relaxing and relieving to get to hear from him.
It was so funny too, because in my little call for prayers, I phrased how I was feeling as 'struggling to keep my head above the water' and he brought up a day that we went through together that I really can't describe but to say it relates to water would be an understatement. It wasn't a good day at the time, but the night was amazing, and I had forgotten about the night, even though I frequently think about the day time (which is now a fond memory).
Thank you for reminding me that the night is always darkest before the dawn, but the dawn is coming.
God, thank you so much, everyday, you save me, you really do <3
Mel
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Day 38
Another thing that has been in the forefront of my mind is my high school swim season, and how I'm going to juggle a relationship with God and school and life and swimming. Now, Bulldog swimming is not for the faint of heart. We run 10 practices a week, 2 hours per practice. Mondays and Thursdays start at 5:45 AM, while Tuesdays and Fridays start at 5:15 AM, and my day isn't over until at the earliest, 5:30 PM, assuming we don't have a meet. Needless to say, I'm exhausted all of first quarter, as well as sore for a lot of the time, and ALWAYS hungry. So with these types of distractions yanking at my attention, I'm terrified that I'm going to drift apart from God during this time, when I will need him close to me to give me strength. I'm hoping that I'll find the balance to be natural to me, but I doubt it because I've never had to handle 2 things that are so important to me, and 2 things that I really don't want to have to give any part of them up. I would greatly appreciate prayers for wisdom, patience, and good health during the beginning of the school year into the fall, as they will surely help my efforts tremendously.
<3
Mel
<3
Mel
Monday, May 24, 2010
Day 37
Yesterday and Today I've been feeling something really heavy on my heart, and I'm not going to talk about what it is, but what it's made me realize.
Love life everyday.
That's the only thing I can ask of you right now. Life is such a short, beautiful thing, and you never know when it'll end.
There's a verse somewhere, and I think I've used it on here before, but it says something to the effect of 'never let the sun set on your anger.'
Please? For me?
Mel
Love life everyday.
That's the only thing I can ask of you right now. Life is such a short, beautiful thing, and you never know when it'll end.
There's a verse somewhere, and I think I've used it on here before, but it says something to the effect of 'never let the sun set on your anger.'
Please? For me?
Mel
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Day 36
Allow me to reintroduce myself, I'm Mel. I'm a new believer in God, and yes, I've been slacking majorly that last few months about keeping up with this project! But, summer is almost here, and I'm hoping that during my time off, I'll be able to just go post crazy (:
Well, I would like to share an encounter that I had last week that just opened my eyes wide the power of God.
So, I'm in Pre-Calculus, which is a year ahead of what Juniors are generally supposed to be. Don't ask me how i got ahead in math, I never have been really super good at it. Anyways, I've been doing fairly well this quarter, I've got a B+ in the class which blows my mind. But I was really struggling with grasping the last few days worth of material and when I say struggling, I mean that I didn't know any of it. But, we had a quiz on Thursday, and so much to my dismay, I buckled down to study, and tried to learn the material. For the life of me, I couldn't do it. It just was not possible. So the next day I walked into class, I swear you could hear my heart pounding, because I was so nervous that I was going to fail the test (which happened to be the biggest one we've had so far), and ruin my beautiful, hard-earned B+ going into the final. But I sat myself down in that chair, and silently cried out to God, begging for him to bless me with calmness, wisdom, and strength, and to help me through the test. That test was the first A I've ever gotten on a test. I know that it was all God, there was no part of me in that.
This just shook me, because I've never had such a direct answer to my prayers before. I've never had something like this happen before, and goodness gracious has it ever opened my eyes.
Maybe next time you approach something difficult or trying, you should just take a few minutes and sit down and ask God for guidance and assistance.
Mel
Well, I would like to share an encounter that I had last week that just opened my eyes wide the power of God.
So, I'm in Pre-Calculus, which is a year ahead of what Juniors are generally supposed to be. Don't ask me how i got ahead in math, I never have been really super good at it. Anyways, I've been doing fairly well this quarter, I've got a B+ in the class which blows my mind. But I was really struggling with grasping the last few days worth of material and when I say struggling, I mean that I didn't know any of it. But, we had a quiz on Thursday, and so much to my dismay, I buckled down to study, and tried to learn the material. For the life of me, I couldn't do it. It just was not possible. So the next day I walked into class, I swear you could hear my heart pounding, because I was so nervous that I was going to fail the test (which happened to be the biggest one we've had so far), and ruin my beautiful, hard-earned B+ going into the final. But I sat myself down in that chair, and silently cried out to God, begging for him to bless me with calmness, wisdom, and strength, and to help me through the test. That test was the first A I've ever gotten on a test. I know that it was all God, there was no part of me in that.
This just shook me, because I've never had such a direct answer to my prayers before. I've never had something like this happen before, and goodness gracious has it ever opened my eyes.
Maybe next time you approach something difficult or trying, you should just take a few minutes and sit down and ask God for guidance and assistance.
Mel
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